Empathy, Integrity, Real Life

 

I couldn't sleep tonight, too much coffee while I was out and about today. I did one of those rare things, I went to a few poker forums to see what if anything has changed. They are about the same as they were when I was active on one of the poker forums.

One interesting header caught my attention, it was a thread about empathy and poker. The poster was going through the problem of playing poker with people who he inwardly felt sorry for because he understood or felt what they were feeling.

I resembled that remark early in my poker playing days. It was back when limit poker was king, and there was no no-limit poker to be found that an average person could afford to play.

I think I had recently made the transition to Holdem as I realized that I could make as much money winning one nice pot in Holdem as I could beating my head against the wall playing Seven Card Stud. Those were heady days.

There was a rather old couple who played the about the same time I played, and often we would be at the same table. Besides the fact they made poor decisions, they flashed their cards by holding them up in the air. They should not have been playing for money.

The preferred to sit near the middle of the table which meant at least four of the players at the table could see their cards every hand. I told them a few times what they were doing, but it had no lasting effect. I arrived at a point when I would fold my cards if I saw their hands in my sense of fair play.

Other players at the table did not share my skewed sense of ethics. While they would not lean back and look at the old couples cards, they were not above taking their money when they saw their respective hands waving in the air and knew they were ahead.

After some weeks of my high and mighty stand, the light bulb turned on. The old couple lost every time they played. They knew they were going to lose their money before they even sat down at the table. The other players at the table took their money and used it against me, betting and raising when they normally would check it down. It was not their money they were betting in the strictest sense of the word.

This was keeping my play in a defensive mode. I had my meager stacks of chips and most of the other players had their chips plus some of the old couples chips. I determined in the moment, that if the old couple wanted to play, they were playing knowing they were going to lose. Just because I did not want to take their money did not mean they were not going home broke.

In less than five minutes I changed the way I played against the old couple. I too was not craning my head to see their hands, but neither was I looking away. I had warned them several times previously, and they were aware of what they were doing.

Of course my win rate increased. On the bright side, the other players willingness to bully me also decreased for the simple reason their win rate had dropped and mine went up.

I still have some empathy and sympathy when I play though. When I know someone is playing with money they really should not be playing with, I do not feel bad taking their money because I know they would be happily taking mine if they could. I feel bad for them when the shock they feel at going broke to standing up and walking away sets in. That is usually about seven seconds.

Gambling in some ways is the last great democracy. No one forces anyone to the table, makes them buy chips, or tells them they have to play. If they did not lose their money at say, the poker table they would lose it somewhere else. Perhaps poker is the healthiest option for them about where to spend their money.

Personal decisions do not always fly the banners of ethics and integrity. Most of our daily decisions are small and insignificant, others are life changing. Big decisions are often gritty and stained with dirt and discomfort. Our best decisions are hopefully carefully thought out. Many of our decisions though are not always on the moral high road. Much like life.

It is Free, Something is Wrong With It

Or, "It is free, what is the catch?" I am shopping at a local hardware store about two miles away to buy garden hose washers. While I am there I notice a young couple looking at a wheelbarrow, but not looking like they want to pay that much for it.

I walk up to them and say, “I have an old one and it is free if you want it. I bought it used three years ago. I used it for one small project, and its been sitting since then…. The wheel on it is a little to small, so you either have to bend over a bit or drag it….You can’t put too much in it at a time, but for a small job it works fine.”

“We only have a small job too.”

“Can we pay you for it?” 

“No, I bought it for $10.00 and more than got my use out of it, you can have it for free. Here is my address…..”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, and if it does not work for you, you can come back and buy this one. I’ll be home in about twenty minutes or less.”

Two hours later and no young couple. 

I take a half sheet of paper and write on it, “Donation or Free”.

I take the wheelbarrow to the curb and tape the sign on it.

Less than ten minutes later it is gone. I do not live on a busy street.

Disappearing People

 

Disappearing People and Disappearing Things happen more often than we like to think about, and more often than we probably notice. Our brain only processes things that are important to us. Where to place our foot for the next stair step, a dog approaching, and so on.

People suddenly disappearing has happened to me over the years, usually walking in the city or in neighborhoods. Once when I was in England on an old country road, it happened in the middle of a large mustard field.

I was driving on a class C road, which was sunken about eight feet into the earth as these small roads sometimes are in that part of the country. 

A middle aged woman in a dark dress, bonnet and shoes  was peddling along on her bicycle with grocery bags in her back basket about thirty yards in front of me. Class C roads are too narrow to safely pass on. I was in no hurry, so I followed along behind her. We were going up a slight hill. 

She crested the peak of the hill, went over and out of sight. I crested the hill - and she was gone! I'm driving in the middle of a mustard field with the banks of the field  six to eight feet above me on each side of the road, and she has disappears! I stop and look around and there was nowhere for her to have gone to. She, her groceries, and bicycle vaporized into thin air.

A few months back, I exited a building and was walking down a curving cement walkway on a small hillside to the parking lot across the street. There was a hard right turn about the halfway down the hill, like a mountain trail switchback. The switchback was about about forty feet away from the street.

An older man dressed like a farmer was walking about twelve feet was walking in front of me. He had grey hair, wore a feed store baseball cap, worn jean jacket, tired, baggy jeans, and old brown work boots. I followed him for about for about fifteen seconds with both of us walking at the same speed. I walking slower than normal to keep a distance between us of about fifteen feet or so (COVID).

He walked like he had or maybe still milked cows. You need to be around farmers who own a small farm with milk cows to understand how they walk. They almost walk like Post-Men of old who carried heavy mail bags of mail on one shoulder as they walked the sidewalk of their route. Sort of a bowlegged hobble-walk.

The old farmer turned at the downhill right turn of the sidewalk switchback, and continued walking out of my line of sight. I was still maybe ten steps behind him. The switchback was such, that we never made eye contact and I never saw his face, nor he my face.

I made the turn, and he was gone! The Old Farmer had disappeared into thin air! The closest hiding spot were moving cars over forty feet away on the road. Him hiding is a silly idea, but the only obvious  explanation. Yet, disappeared he was! As I walked on, he was gone and not hiding.

Another time walking across the sidewalk of a town square, two teenage girls were walking towards me and suddenly transformed into gaunt starving werewolves. They walked about four steps and then vanished in mid stride from the sidewalk! One Mom almost ripped her daughter's arm off pulling her back from the apparitions. Other people walking behind them also saw them and saw them disappear. We asked each other for conformation of what we saw, and we all saw the same thing, though no one was sure exactly what those 'things' were.

I rarely notice 'things' that may appear and then disappear. There may be things popping out from nowhere and other things disappearing, but my brain decides they are not important.

Sometimes driving on rural roads, it seems cars appear and vanish in a totally random manner. Imagine  have been driving along with a blue car following you for the last twenty minutes on a rural highway. Suddenly it is not there, even though there was no road for it to turn off on. These things and other events seem to happen and usually we are not even aware of them happening. 

I am sure almost everyone has had these experiences, though we never talk about them. I first experienced this happening as a kid. Back then I thought it was normal. As I grow older I realize if it is normal, it is secret normal.

What's Wrong With Michael Today?

 

All too often lately, I find if I disagree with another person's viewpoint I spend the next minutes listening to, "What's wrong with Michael", rather than why my opinion is wrong, the other person is right, or we simply have a difference of opinion.

Today, I experienced what I think is an extreme example of, "What's wrong with Michael" or perhaps I was in conversation with someone from the "Abraham" Cult? We are out and about and stop at a coffee shop. A person next the sugar/cream/stir sticks, has an Esther and Jerry Hicks book.

I ask if they like the book. They nod yes.

I say, "I really liked their first book. Lots of good stuff. When I bought and listened to the four CD set, it did not sound believable."

"What do you mean?"

me: "It sounded like when Esther Hicks was channeling "Abraham", she sounded as if she was talking through a script, where occasionally she would pause, like she forgot the next line. Then she would continue".

"That's because of the difficulty of communication with Abraham, they had to pause to get the meaning exactly right."

me: "Okay. I guess we share a difference of opinion".

For the next minute, I listen to and mostly agree with comments about there being different planes of existence, different beings on these different planes, communication with these beings, etc. I do not agree about Esther Hicks channeling 'Abraham'.

I may as well have standing there making funny faces and laughing. This person is now visibly angry after their diatribe. I end the  'conversation' with, "You are correct".

I'm think, we have a difference of opinion, to each his own. I wonder, where in the Hick's books and channeling dialogue (?) is behavior like this person's behavior promoted? Nowhere of course.

I walk to my table, sit, chat and finish my tea, giving little thought to the conversation. We all have differing opinions. This exchange had been a little out of the ordinary, but stuff happens.

Leaving the coffee shop, I hold the door open for other Patrons who are coming in and leaving behind me. The fourth person coming out surprisingly, is the person with the Hick's book.

Standing in front of the door, blocking my exit and others entry, they launch into another tirade. The first ten seconds or so is on my poor thinking about the Hick's in general. The next seconds follow about how bad it is I do not believe the Hicks channeling is real. Followed up with - what is wrong with me, my thinking, my approach, my comments, etc, etc.

I spend my part listening and agreeing at times. I want an end to this inane ranting. It is an uncalled for over-reaction, and pointless. Customers are waiting at the blocked door, wanting to go inside and out.

The person becomes even more angry. This has become very, very personal for them. I can see the anger in their eyes. I listen again to why I am not only wrong about Esther Hicks, but how practically everything about me is flawed.

They finally run out of steam, turn and storm away. I am left with the impression they did not hear more than the first seconds of I did not believe Esther and Jerry Hicks were the real deal. They obviously are so angry, nothing I said was heard or matters.

I am not sure why my opinion of Jerry & Esther Hicks channeling Abraham - turned into this very personal and bitter rant. It is in the end, opinion. Maybe they are a member of the infamous Abraham Cult? 

About a year ago, I would write it off to the idea we were isolated for so long we forgot how to be civil in public. Now I wonder, I am attracting crazy for some reason? If this idea seems silly, listen to (read) this. This happened about six weeks ago. 

There is a man with his parked bicycle next to a store front door. As I walk by him to enter the store, I greet him (white man about 50) saying, "What's up Boss?"

He explodes into an immediate and very loud tirade with extreme gesturing and angry overtones. His abrupt verbal direction changes lose me as what he is so angry about. His ranting ends with the statement, the Government is controlling everything and every person in the Country. 

As he stops for a breath, I say, "You are probably right, have a good day". This leads to another immediate angry verbal tirade with gesturing about how can he possibly have a good day when he is being controlled? How can I have a good day as I am controlled too? I say once again, "Have a good day", and walk on.

Some days I wonder, am I attracting this behavior?

Forgotten Stress and Pain Release

I was watching a Documentary the other evening. I think it was called, "Heal". It was interesting, but nothing new, until they started talking about releasing hidden, forgotten and ignored pain and stress that went all the way back to childhood.

The idea is forgotten stressors act upon our body chemistry, causing autoimmune issues and certain types of disease because our body's healthy chemical balance has been suppressed for many years and less than stellar chemicals are roaming around in their place wreaking havoc on our well being.

This sounded like it was coming from Carney Row at the County Fair. I understand being stressed, but wasn't too sure I bought into the chemical imbalance that unrelieved stress brings about. Except they had a number of people including at least one person with stage four cancer who swore it is true, because they all reversed their illnesses through releasing hidden pain and stress.

The thought of buried, hidden stress release was a new idea to me. One of the experts in the Documentary said in his opinion there, 'is no one size fits all cure or fix'. Yoga and meditation in the morning may work for you, seeing a therapist for emotional issues may work better for me, as I understood his opinion.

The Documentary moved on to a Woman who was working with a practitioner who used EFT. EFT is interesting because it involves physical action to distract our brain. We repeat an EFT Practitioner's verbal suggestions while being physically distracted with tapping or rubbing or both.

At least that is my limited understanding from the documentary and one small EFT book I read some years ago. EFT is effective because it is a kind of distraction meditation. Spoken suggestions are put on a direct path to the brain because the subject is distracted with the physical distractions being induced by the EFT Practitioner.

In the Documentary, the EFT Practitioner was doing her thing, tapping away, and telling the patient to recall a painful moment, and at each memory recall, repeat the phrase, "I love you then", or something similar. Later in the show, the Woman claims her hidden pain and stress was eventually all gone (released), and her very serious health ailments had disappeared.

I like everyone else have long term and buried or forgotten pain and stressors hidden away in my brain. I decided because I meditate often, I would skip the EFT part and go with the, "I love you then" for the known stressors I could remember. I wasn't expecting a lot, because it seemed too simple. I am skeptical. I want proof.

I started with my biggest stress, 'White Coat Syndrome', and all the memories that keep it fresh and make me want to run, not walk out of Doctor and Dentist offices. The earliest memory I could recall was being six or seven years old sitting in a Dentist chair.

I was going to receive a shot of Novocaine for a drill and fill for a bad tooth. The Dentist who I suspected in later years was a drunk, put the glass Novocaine vial in the needle and moved it towards my mouth. It slipped and fell to the floor and broke.

He picked up the broken glass vial pieces and the now useless needle. He said, "This is your fault, you little shit", and stabbed the knuckles of my right hand with a piece of the broken Novocaine vial glass leaving me with a lifelong scar. Upon recalling this memory I said, "I love you then".

(The Dentist came up with a believable story he told my Mother afterward that was not questioned, of course as he was the Dentist - authority figure)

Now I am remembering other bad dental and medical memories that made their long forgotten presence known, followed with my repeated, "I love you then" comments. Time disappeared replaced with, "I love you then" comments flowing through my mind at each remembered memory.

I realized something changed after a (unknown period of) time. The voice saying, "I love you then", was not my voice. It was coming from somewhere else, and the memories of painful and stressful times of my life arrived without any prompting. I was now a watching, hearing observer of those times in my life that stressed me out or caused pain, of which I had long ago forgotten about.

When I 'awoke' some time later, I knew I still wasn't through with the memory recall and the, "I love you then", comments. Amazingly, I felt like one-hundred pounds of just below skin level stress had left me! I felt so relaxed, I thought if I were to take my blood pressure, I would probably be concerned because it would be so low.

If you are used to meditating, you may be able to duplicate the results I did without any EFT stimulus. If you do not meditate, you may want to read up on EFT, and pick a few EFT movements that feel right for you as you try out the process. Better yet, find an EFT trained person to work with you.

I do not know what exactly happened during my experience, or if my body's chemical structure has started to change, but something good definitely took place. I felt so at peace and relaxed, it felt abnormal in the moment.

Twenty-four or so hours later, it feels a little hokey writing this. I still feel very calm and at peace with the world. Something definitely changed from the time I decided to try this process to the time I stopped. I will be doing this again, perhaps many times, until I feel there is no more hidden stress and pain to release. I highly recommend you try this process. I am still skeptical about the process. I am looking forward to some months in the future to see what lasting changes have taken place.

I Will Meet You When you Pass

 

This is a story that started almost fifty years ago. The ending won't be known until a future time.

I was maybe 22 years old and wild. My summertime life consisted of fishing and weekend parties with usually over fifty hours of work per week thrown in to provide balance. In winter life was not much different. I usually had one day off a week. I worked the afternoon shift and sometime Sunday mornings when someone did not show up.

It was a warm summer evening, and my friends and I decided to go to sit in a hot springs and drink some beer. Somewhere along the line, between getting off of work and the hot springs, a couple of Women decided they wanted to join us. I did not know either of them.

One of the two women took a liking to me, though I have no clue why. I was not looking for a girlfriend, and made no sign I was. I'll call her Keri. Keri had recently moved into town. She was a pleasant, easy going, very likable (I thought) young woman, though her life was a lot quieter than mine. I was curious how she fell into our group that night.

I really enjoyed Keri's company. Other than our night and day lifestyle differences we were a good fit, almost too good. Keri worked days, I worked afternoons. We had different days off. I was bent on self destruction and she was focused on having a normal, sane life and fun friends. Keri did not care to drink, which limited her party time and any extra time we may have had together.

We saw each other on and off for about six months. Keri decided it was time to go back home. All work, and no real fun was no life for her. She missed her friends and her more normal social life. We spent her last day in town together. It was one of the best days of my life back then, though I did not appreciate it how good it was in the moment. I now occasionally wish the day could have gone for a week. It wasn't meant to be.

I would think of Keri now and then over the years. Wondering how she was doing. I imagined she was happily married and had a family. I had no doubt she was a good friend, wife, and mother. She had that kind of personality. I wished her the best whenever I thought of her.

A few months ago, I found she was on my mind - a lot. Almost like a cloud of Keri was surrounding me. No matter what I was doing, thoughts of Keri would seep into my mind. Why the sudden feeling she was around me and in my thoughts?

A few days later in a dream, Keri was talking to me. Keri told me she had passed on. Keri said she had a good life and a family, and had no regrets about her life. Then came the bomb shell.

Keri told me she would be there to greet me when it was my time to pass. Then the dream was over. I woke up and this dream was the only thing on my mind. Keri would be there to meet me when I passed.

My thoughts were all over the place. Was I going to die soon and did not know it? Why would I have a dream like this? It was not an empty dream, there must be some meaning in it.

A few days later, the feeling of Keri being around me was back. Because I am a cynic, I had a plan. I told the  Keri presence, if that was not a dream, and she was who she said she was, and she would be there to meet me when I passed, I wanted some type of proof, that this was not my imagination. I wanted an irrefutable sign.

A couple days went by, and no sign it was anything but a dream and unaccounted for feelings. I was starting to think it was all my imagination. Six days later, in the evening I was reading the news on my computer. There was a small story about the town of Keri, in Keri county. It seems a small brush fire was started right outside of town, about ten to fifteen acres were burned before it went out, or was put out. The article did not mention how it started or why it went out.

There I was sitting wondering if this was the proof I asked for, or some wild billion to one coincidence? What are the odds of a town and county named Keri making the news for such a small event, and that I would be reading about it?

Unlike older ill people I have spoken with in the past, who said they dreamed dead relatives were coming to get them, I do not feel this was some ominous warning. Perhaps it is what it is, and this women who I knew for such a short time for whatever reason wants me to know that when it is my time, I won't be alone, and Keri will be there to meet me.

Or perhaps it is entirely a coincidence? I am really undecided, and I am guessing I won't know, until I know. In the mean time I feel comfort by the thought. You will have to decide the ending as I won't be able to provide the ending.

Surreal Choice, Real Life Decision

I was five years old, going down the stairs, then out the door to meet my friends when she appeared. If I had known the word, I would have called her an apparition or illusion. How can a very tall woman, stand in the door, above the door and in the wall, and make it look normal?

I immediately knew who she was, yet I did not know who she was. She was dressed in a brown pants suit with thin, vertical, darker brown stripes and a brown hat. She had brown hair and kind of a housewife appearance, though I knew she was not a housewife. She was not someone to trifle with, if for no other reason than her sudden appearance scaring the heck out of me. To this day I do not remember her eye color or if she wore nail polish or not. She did have a purse of brown leather and brown shoes.

Her voice was stern. "Well", she said, "are you going to do it or not?" As I did not have a thought in my head other than finding some friends outside to play with, it was not obvious to my child’s mind what her question meant. I did know by the tone of her voice, that this was a very serious question and my answer should be carefully thought over.

She repeated, "Are you going to do it?" It was the most awkward thing, trying to come up with an answer when there is only fog surrounding the question and a blank for an answer. I found myself thinking back to an earlier time, before I was here, before I was born.

I was an adult somewhere standing around with a few other people,  talking about what was next for all of us. I declared I was going to create a technology that would change the world in unimaginable ways. It would be the greatest gift for mankind ever known. Someone asked if I was sure. Of course I am sure. Now, I am here in this world, a child being asked if I am sure?

I was barely enough to know that two and two equals four, and here I was being asked a question I didn't really understand. It wasn't even a thought until this moment when she asked her question. Me standing on the third stair from the floor, my descent blocked by this woman who simply appeared and blocked the way.

I knew I had to give her an answer and what ever answer I gave her was binding. In this moment I had a choice. After my answer, there would no longer be a choice. It took no more than a few seconds, but took decision making to a level that was beyond abstract for a child's mind, to put it simply.

"No", I said, "I am not going to do it."

I arrived at this answer by thinking of everything I knew about modern technology and what we (mankind) has done with it. Everything firstly had been used for the destruction of other Humans in one way or another. I was not going to be part of a perpetual world killing machine.

She stared down at me, and asked if I was sure. "No, I am not going to do it." "Very well, your life plan is erased." In an instant she was gone.

More than six decades later, I can still visualize the scene. This giant Woman standing where it was impossible to stand. Blocking my exit and demanding an answer to a question that had no meaning until that moment, when a before being born memory came flooding in from a place I could not remember being at, talking about something I did not until that moment remember.

My decision on that spring morning changed my life in ways lives are rarely changed. My life path was erased. My only direction my life was the direction I applied it to each day. It was akin to a sail boat with no rudder. I listened to other kids tell me what they were going to be when they grew up. I felt as if I only had two vague choices for my life, do good or do something else.

Now I am still at peace with my decision. I could not have lived with the guilt and horror I may have brought to this world, and the people that would have died as a result of my trying to do improve the world.

Surreal as it seems, this was an event that fashioned my life in ways I never could have imagined. I have the freedom to follow whatever life direction, randomness and chance send my way. Mine has been a difficult, frustrating yet liberating life. Made possible, by an event that perhaps did not exist.