I was five years old, going down the stairs, then out the door to meet my friends when she appeared. If I had known the word, I would have called her an apparition or illusion. How can a very tall woman, stand in the door, above the door and in the wall, and make it look normal?
I immediately knew who she was, yet I did not know who she was. She was dressed in a brown pants suit with thin, vertical, darker brown stripes and a brown hat. She had brown hair and kind of a housewife appearance, though I knew she was not a housewife. She was not someone to trifle with, if for no other reason than her sudden appearance scaring the heck out of me. To this day I do not remember her eye color or if she wore nail polish or not. She did have a purse of brown leather and brown shoes.
Her voice was stern. "Well", she said, "are you going to do it or not?" As I did not have a thought in my head other than finding some friends outside to play with, it was not obvious to my child’s mind what her question meant. I did know by the tone of her voice, that this was a very serious question and my answer should be carefully thought over.
She repeated, "Are you going to do it?" It was the most awkward thing, trying to come up with an answer when there is only fog surrounding the question and a blank for an answer. I found myself thinking back to an earlier time, before I was here, before I was born.
I was an adult somewhere standing around with a few other people, talking about what was next for all of us. I declared I was going to create a technology that would change the world in unimaginable ways. It would be the greatest gift for mankind ever known. Someone asked if I was sure. Of course I am sure. Now, I am here in this world, a child being asked if I am sure?
I was barely enough to know that two and two equals four, and here I was being asked a question I didn't really understand. It wasn't even a thought until this moment when she asked her question. Me standing on the third stair from the floor, my descent blocked by this woman who simply appeared and blocked the way.
I knew I had to give her an answer and what ever answer I gave her was binding. In this moment I had a choice. After my answer, there would no longer be a choice. It took no more than a few seconds, but took decision making to a level that was beyond abstract for a child's mind, to put it simply.
"No", I said, "I am not going to do it."
I arrived at this answer by thinking of everything I knew about modern technology and what we (mankind) has done with it. Everything firstly had been used for the destruction of other Humans in one way or another. I was not going to be part of a perpetual world killing machine.
She stared down at me, and asked if I was sure. "No, I am not going to do it." "Very well, your life plan is erased." In an instant she was gone.
More than six decades later, I can still visualize the scene. This giant Woman standing where it was impossible to stand. Blocking my exit and demanding an answer to a question that had no meaning until that moment, when a before being born memory came flooding in from a place I could not remember being at, talking about something I did not until that moment remember.
My decision on that spring morning changed my life in ways lives are rarely changed. My life path was erased. My only direction my life was the direction I applied it to each day. It was akin to a sail boat with no rudder. I listened to other kids tell me what they were going to be when they grew up. I felt as if I only had two vague choices for my life, do good or do something else.
Now I am still at peace with my decision. I could not have lived with the guilt and horror I may have brought to this world, and the people that would have died as a result of my trying to do improve the world.
Surreal as it seems, this was an event that fashioned my life in ways I never could have imagined. I have the freedom to follow whatever life direction, randomness and chance send my way. Mine has been a difficult, frustrating yet liberating life. Made possible, by an event that perhaps did not exist.
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