Empathy, Integrity, Real Life

 

I couldn't sleep tonight, too much coffee while I was out and about today. I did one of those rare things, I went to a few poker forums to see what if anything has changed. They are about the same as they were when I was active on one of the poker forums.

One interesting header caught my attention, it was a thread about empathy and poker. The poster was going through the problem of playing poker with people who he inwardly felt sorry for because he understood or felt what they were feeling.

I resembled that remark early in my poker playing days. It was back when limit poker was king, and there was no no-limit poker to be found that an average person could afford to play.

I think I had recently made the transition to Holdem as I realized that I could make as much money winning one nice pot in Holdem as I could beating my head against the wall playing Seven Card Stud. Those were heady days.

There was a rather old couple who played the about the same time I played, and often we would be at the same table. Besides the fact they made poor decisions, they flashed their cards by holding them up in the air. They should not have been playing for money.

The preferred to sit near the middle of the table which meant at least four of the players at the table could see their cards every hand. I told them a few times what they were doing, but it had no lasting effect. I arrived at a point when I would fold my cards if I saw their hands in my sense of fair play.

Other players at the table did not share my skewed sense of ethics. While they would not lean back and look at the old couples cards, they were not above taking their money when they saw their respective hands waving in the air and knew they were ahead.

After some weeks of my high and mighty stand, the light bulb turned on. The old couple lost every time they played. They knew they were going to lose their money before they even sat down at the table. The other players at the table took their money and used it against me, betting and raising when they normally would check it down. It was not their money they were betting in the strictest sense of the word.

This was keeping my play in a defensive mode. I had my meager stacks of chips and most of the other players had their chips plus some of the old couples chips. I determined in the moment, that if the old couple wanted to play, they were playing knowing they were going to lose. Just because I did not want to take their money did not mean they were not going home broke.

In less than five minutes I changed the way I played against the old couple. I too was not craning my head to see their hands, but neither was I looking away. I had warned them several times previously, and they were aware of what they were doing.

Of course my win rate increased. On the bright side, the other players willingness to bully me also decreased for the simple reason their win rate had dropped and mine went up.

I still have some empathy and sympathy when I play though. When I know someone is playing with money they really should not be playing with, I do not feel bad taking their money because I know they would be happily taking mine if they could. I feel bad for them when the shock they feel at going broke to standing up and walking away sets in. That is usually about seven seconds.

Gambling in some ways is the last great democracy. No one forces anyone to the table, makes them buy chips, or tells them they have to play. If they did not lose their money at say, the poker table they would lose it somewhere else. Perhaps poker is the healthiest option for them about where to spend their money.

Personal decisions do not always fly the banners of ethics and integrity. Most of our daily decisions are small and insignificant, others are life changing. Big decisions are often gritty and stained with dirt and discomfort. Our best decisions are hopefully carefully thought out. Many of our decisions though are not always on the moral high road. Much like life.

Surreal Choice, Real Life Decision

I was five years old, going down the stairs, then out the door to meet my friends when she appeared. If I had known the word, I would have called her an apparition or illusion. How can a very tall woman, stand in the door, above the door and in the wall, and make it look normal?

I immediately knew who she was, yet I did not know who she was. She was dressed in a brown pants suit with thin, vertical, darker brown stripes and a brown hat. She had brown hair and kind of a housewife appearance, though I knew she was not a housewife. She was not someone to trifle with, if for no other reason than her sudden appearance scaring the heck out of me. To this day I do not remember her eye color or if she wore nail polish or not. She did have a purse of brown leather and brown shoes.

Her voice was stern. "Well", she said, "are you going to do it or not?" As I did not have a thought in my head other than finding some friends outside to play with, it was not obvious to my child’s mind what her question meant. I did know by the tone of her voice, that this was a very serious question and my answer should be carefully thought over.

She repeated, "Are you going to do it?" It was the most awkward thing, trying to come up with an answer when there is only fog surrounding the question and a blank for an answer. I found myself thinking back to an earlier time, before I was here, before I was born.

I was an adult somewhere standing around with a few other people,  talking about what was next for all of us. I declared I was going to create a technology that would change the world in unimaginable ways. It would be the greatest gift for mankind ever known. Someone asked if I was sure. Of course I am sure. Now, I am here in this world, a child being asked if I am sure?

I was barely enough to know that two and two equals four, and here I was being asked a question I didn't really understand. It wasn't even a thought until this moment when she asked her question. Me standing on the third stair from the floor, my descent blocked by this woman who simply appeared and blocked the way.

I knew I had to give her an answer and what ever answer I gave her was binding. In this moment I had a choice. After my answer, there would no longer be a choice. It took no more than a few seconds, but took decision making to a level that was beyond abstract for a child's mind, to put it simply.

"No", I said, "I am not going to do it."

I arrived at this answer by thinking of everything I knew about modern technology and what we (mankind) has done with it. Everything firstly had been used for the destruction of other Humans in one way or another. I was not going to be part of a perpetual world killing machine.

She stared down at me, and asked if I was sure. "No, I am not going to do it." "Very well, your life plan is erased." In an instant she was gone.

More than six decades later, I can still visualize the scene. This giant Woman standing where it was impossible to stand. Blocking my exit and demanding an answer to a question that had no meaning until that moment, when a before being born memory came flooding in from a place I could not remember being at, talking about something I did not until that moment remember.

My decision on that spring morning changed my life in ways lives are rarely changed. My life path was erased. My only direction my life was the direction I applied it to each day. It was akin to a sail boat with no rudder. I listened to other kids tell me what they were going to be when they grew up. I felt as if I only had two vague choices for my life, do good or do something else.

Now I am still at peace with my decision. I could not have lived with the guilt and horror I may have brought to this world, and the people that would have died as a result of my trying to do improve the world.

Surreal as it seems, this was an event that fashioned my life in ways I never could have imagined. I have the freedom to follow whatever life direction, randomness and chance send my way. Mine has been a difficult, frustrating yet liberating life. Made possible, by an event that perhaps did not exist.

Life Dreams to Life Reality

We are "Captains" of our own ship. When we are children we start to visualize leaving the safety of the harbor and moving out to sea to unknown destinations. As we grow, our dream of moving out into the world becomes more defined. We start to define our life.

We learn the basic skills we need to learn to get through our early years and teen years. We want to be a Fireman, Policeman, Doctor, Lawyer, Mom or Dad. We want to go to college, be in a band, and live on Mars. We are going to get married, adventure, live in the woods alone. We contemplate many future lives.

Our world does not immediately start to change every time we change our mind. When we are young and in school, this is okay. Being young and in school is the time of life when we are supposed to be trying new things and exploring new dreams. When we hit our late teens to twenties, things become more serious. We start to distill our dreams into our life.

Current life choices and decisions sometimes get in the way of what we think we want. What your parents have done with their life may be the first big obstacle to overcome. We start to align our dreams to our future life goals.

Being part of a circus and being an Internet star at the same time are extreme contrasts. These both may be achievable, but each takes its own energy and planning to be successful. One of these dreams may need to defer to the other. Dream and life disparity creates muddled results.

We often modify our expectations as we grow. Our dreams start converging with our life path. Going to and graduating from college to found our own business is an goal of converging dreams. Changing what we want sometimes leads to confusion and frustration. We are focusing on and clarifying our future life.

You decide to go to college. When you enter college, you are required to take almost two years of basic classes whether you have an interest in those subjects or not. The reason for this is two fold. First, you are exposed to different areas of areas of life. Psychology, Biology, Math, English and Foreign Language are all part of life. You gain a broader view of your future possibilities.

One day you wake up to an epiphany. You want to become the owner of a non-profit. The world of capitalism, you decide is not for you. You have found a more important direction for your life. But college is all about capitalism. That is how college is built. You are now in a dream/life conflict.

You are going to find some speed bumps in your road, and you may be detoured from your dreams for a time. Your world starts making the changes you want to help make your dreams happen. Your classes are now a two edged sword. How do you take what you are learning, apply it to what you want, and make it work? Do all parts of your dream future fit together cohesively?

When it comes to your dreams, there are a couple of key truths. The longer you hold onto your biggest dream, and apply yourself to it, the more your world changes to make it happen. You cannot expect your world to stop and change course every time you change your mind. What has been done to create your present life will run its course. Be ready for bumps in the road while you focus on making your newest dreams align with your life.

Depending on how focused you are and how you apply yourself, change may be quick. Immediate drastic change will force you to make hard decisions. Align your dreams, follow your goals and you will get there. You can make your dreams reality, if you stay focused and help to make them happen.

Games and American Politics

In his 1964 book, "Games People Play", , Psychiatrist Eric Berne identified several life scripts people "play" as, "Games". This book is a fascinating read once you start reading about the actual "Games", recognizing yourself and others as playing in select games. You can read about some of them here: Games People Play 

The reason Berne called what we do, "Games", is because we play games our whole life. We learn our first games in infancy from our parents, and learn other games as we grow older. Some games are played by only one person, others need a group of like players to be successful. Think of party games (discussions) people play when they group up, each in their own part of the room.

One interesting 'Game', Berne identified is named, "If it weren't for Him". If it weren't for Him, is a Game which until [relatively] recently was played mostly by women. An encapsulated version goes like this:

Young Women who are unconsciously scared of participating in the adult world find mates who are controlling and possessive. This way people can blame everything the Woman  does not do on her Husband. The Husband will not let them do those things most Women do every day. Think work, window shopping, and coffee clutches.

From an outsiders point of view, it appears the Husband is a jealous control freak who refuses to let the oppressed Wife do anything that, "takes her away from home". In the unconscious "Oppressed" Woman's mind, the Husband, "relieves" the woman from doing anything she feels uncomfortable doing. For example working, having a social life, and so on.

Politicians have adopted, "If it weren't for Him",  as their most favorite game. No matter which party is the Dominant Party after an election, nothing changes. For example, during the eight year Republican control of the Presidency, Senate and House, nothing really changed during that eight year reign. Vis a Vis when Democrats are in almost total control, nothing much changed.

Both Political Parties claim, "If not for the Democrats/Republicans blocking our legislation, we could do great things for America. The political form of the game, "If not for him", is always in full operation. Think about this for a minute and see if you agree.

Senators and House Members each play their part to ensure the 'Other Party' does not pass any meaningful legislation - unless public opinion is overwhelmingly in favor of it. Then the Political Machine is forced to act together or risk losing their jobs.

Most of the time however, Political Party Leaders and charismatic party members stand up and basically state and restate, 'We want to pass this legislation, but the other party opposes our legislation, stonewalling us', or something to to that effect.

This favorite game mostly played by Women for thousands of years is cemented in place as a favorite  political game, "If not for the, "Other Party"". Politicians also play other variations of this game. Other variations such as, "If there was only enough money", "only enough time in the legislative session", are also political favorites across the board.